


South Park: Where We Go One

by earballz



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst and Humor, Comedy, Conspiracy, Conspiracy Theories, Detective Noir, Film Noir, Gen, Humor, Movie: IT Chapter Two (2019), Murder Mystery, Mystery, Screenplay/Script Format, Thriller
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 13,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29001555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earballz/pseuds/earballz
Summary: The South Park boys are approaching middle age. Life has brought them apart, but Kenny McCormick's mysterious death brings them back together.Can they get to the bottom of a conspiracy that involves "201" or will they meet the same fate as Kenny?[Completed]
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Thanks for taking the time to read this!  
> Just a quick note before you begin - this is in a modified screenplay format, so there's somethings you should know. 
> 
> 1) Scene locations are in the following format:  
> INT./EXT. MAIN LOCATION - SUB-LOCATION - TIME
> 
> INT. is interior and EXT. is exterior.  
> There will always be a MAIN LOCATION listing (e.g. TEGRIDY ESTATE), but not always a SUB-LOCATION (e.g. BATHROOM). TIME is only listed if the time has changed from the previous scene.
> 
> Thanks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chili Con Carnival brings with it spicy flavors and, for Kenny McCormick, a mystery that throws him into danger.

A TITLE CARD playing from an ancient VHS tape, detailing some gibberish about how no one should watch this - but then it starts FLICKERING - digital noise cutting through as the letters in the text fade, leaving only the Q's that were never there.

 **EXT. CHILI CON CARNIVAL - NIGHT**

What was once a simple front yard affair seems to be a bustling town tradition, complete with rides, games and, of course, chili.

KENNY (played by Dax Shepherd; late 30s, lanky, dirty blonde hair, a horseshoe mustache) shrugs deeper into a jacket the color of Goldfish crackers.

He keeps his head down as he moves through the row of chili vendors and the crowd.

Kenny glances over at the one chili VENDOR who seems to have no customers.

The Vendor gives him a nod, which Kenny returns as he makes his way over.

VENDOR: What will it be?

KENNY: I'm vegetarian.

VENDOR: What is that, like vegan?

They regard each other a moment, then the Vendor indicates to the back of the stall with a nod of his head.

Kenny goes around the side of the stall, to the back and finds the Vendor moving some equipment boxes aside.

VENDOR: You heard what happened here?

KENNY: Yeah, the Tenormans.

VENDOR: No - after that. The Vendor hefts a box to the top, looking at Kenny.

VENDOR: Or do you not believe?

Kenny nods to the box. The man opens it and moves some items within, before pulling out a single page and handing it to Kenny.

**INT. KENNY'S APARTMENT - LATER**

It's a small studio apartment, with an air mattress against one wall, and a desk cluttered with all sorts of papers and gear on the other.

Kenny sits at the desk, a scanner issuing light as it hums next to him.

A moment, and then the blank screen in front of him fills with the image of the scanned, single page.

Kenny types some commands, which causes the scanned image to fold and unfold multiple times, as if testing different patterns. Then it stops.

KENNY: Holy shit.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny is on the run!

**EXT. KENNY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER**

A beat up Honda Accord starts, its old fan belt issuing out a banshee's screech that echoes into the night.

**INT./EXT. KENNY'S CAR**

He looks around as he pulls out - eyes peeled for more than just approaching traffic - of which there is none.

Kenny takes a turn, then looks into the rear view mirror and sees headlights trailing in the distance.

He takes another turn, looking into the rear view - and a moment later, the headlights appear.

He speeds up - the tail does too.

The car is gaining - Kenny pulls a hard right, fishtailing, but keeping control.

A long line of traffic snakes out from the fairgrounds ahead - the Chili Con Carnival banner fluttering above the exit.

Kenny speeds up, then pulls a hard left just before the exiting cars - putting his car in the wrong lane as he races by the slow snake of exiting fairgoers.

The tail does the same.

They approach a red light - the source of the slowdown for the exiting traffic - Kenny guns it.

The light turns green and Kenny pulls hard right on the wheel, sending his car turning, sliding, in front of the traffic about to move.

The tail tries the same, but spins out, broadsiding the the traffic light and coming to a rest on the median.

**EXT. SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT - LATER**

A window at the rear of the building slides up, and the silhouette of a man climbs out.

He turns around to close it as bast he can before trudging into the cold.

He pulls his hoodie up, and keeps his head down as he walks around the building, heading toward the sidewalk that lines the street ahead.

The SNAP of a twig - Kenny looks back - quickening his pace - BAM!

He slams into a MAN (played by Paul Scheer; late 30s, stocky, shaved head, and a goatee) wearing an orange parka, pointing a handgun and - more dangerously - a not quite sane look in his eyes.

MAN (South African accent): I think you took something that's mine.

Kenny takes a step back - the man levels the gun at him, his finger tightening on the trigger.

The ROAR of an engine - they both turn to see a headlights bearing down on them.

The Man SHOOTS - taking out one of the headlights! Kenny lunges out of the way!

The car SLAMS into the MAN, sending him flying back!

Kenny takes a moment to get his bearings.

He stands and turns to see that his savior is a faded yellow, late 70s Datsun Maxima - the engine rattling in its almost rusted through body, a large dent in its side.

There's a quick CREAK-CREAK-CREAK as the DRIVER (played by Mike Meyers reprising his Fat Bastard look from 2, adding glasses and an unruly mustache to the mutton-chopped, fat faced look) works the manual crank to roll down his window.

DRIVER: Come with me if you want to live!

Kenny sees the gun-toting Man starting to stand.

That's enough for him to rush around the front of the car and into the passenger seat.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny gets saved! ... or does he?

**INT. DATSUN**

The Driver throws the car in reverse.

The steel behemoth ROARS out into the street as the Man opens fire, peppering the front of the car with rounds.

**EXT. SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT**

The Datsun peels off down the road.

The Man steps out into the road, watching the car take a corner.

MAN: Damn you, Watkins.

**INT. DATSUN**

The mood in the car relaxes now that they've gotten out of harm's way.

PASSENGER: Fuck, that was close.

Kenny jumps at the sound of the voice.

KENNY: Holy shit! He spins around to look in back.

The PASSENGER (played by Justin Long; 30s, fit, glasses, under a mop of black hair) gives Kenny's shoulder a squeeze.

PASSENGER: Sorry brother, didn't mean to scare ya there.

The Driver glances at Kenny.

DRIVER: A lot of people died to get that information you got there - and a lot of people would love to keep that from seeing the light of day.

The Passenger nods in agreement.

KENNY: You know what it is?

DRIVER: Of course. The question is, what are you going to do with it?

Kenny's silent.

PASSENGER: You can give it to us - we can handle it.

DRIVER: Keep you safe and keep it from falling into the wrong hands.

Kenny looks out the window.

KENNY: You can let me out here.

He watches the Driver, seeing how this is going to turn out.

The Driver brings the Datsun to a stop.

PASSENGER: Dad?

The Driver looks at Kenny.

DRIVER: Stay safe. Where we go one, we go all.

KENNY: Right. He gets out - then PFFT! - the sharp bark of a silenced gun -

Kenny crumples to the ground.

The Driver lowers his silenced pistol.

The Passenger quickly gets out of the car and starts searching Kenny.

PASSENGER: It's not here!

DRIVER: Get in. I know how we can get it to come to us.

**EXT. DATSUN**

It drives off into the night, leaving Kenny in the street.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric Cartman gets to the truth behind... Wayfair? The online furniture company?

**INT. STUDIO - NEXT EVENING**

ERIC (played by James Van Der Beek; coiffed hair, coiffed everything) looks nonchalantly comfortable as the apex predator at the table.

His prey - NIRAJ SHAH (mid 40s, clear framed glasses, shaved head with a trim beard) is in the middle of making his point.

NIRAJ: I don't know how much clearer I can get then saying that we categorically deny the allegations - I mean, that I'm even on here, saying this is how ridiculous this even is.

ERIC: You know what's ridiculous? You coming on here instead of Ms. Chandler. Why hide her?

NIRAJ: Ms. Chandler has nothing to do -

ERIC: Is she not the recruiting manager at Wayfair?

NIRAJ: She was -

ERIC: So you - what? Killed her to keep her from speaking?

NIRAJ: What? No - she's -

ERIC: Been pivotal in establishing Wayfair's human trafficking operation - in "recruiting" young women -

NIRAJ: We are not trafficking women -!

ERIC: Sorry - I didn't mean to imply discrimination - young *men* and women for distribution through a wholesale supplier ecosystem under the guise of an online furniture store.

Niraj just stares, not sure how to respond to the illogical spew he received.

ERIC: Your silence speaks volumes, sir. Eric turns to the camera.

ERIC: Coming up we talk to, Alyvia Storage Cabinet, a former victim of Wayfair.

CREW (O.C.): And... we're out.

Eric and Niraj are immediately beset by various CREW MEMBERS helping them take off their lav mics.

ERIC: Thanks for coming on and giving your side of the story.

NIRAJ: My side of the story?

ERIC: It's in the slogan - "No Agenda". We want to get all sides of a story out to the public.

Niraj stands to leave.

NIRAJ: Fuck you.

**INT. FOX NEWS STUDIO - BACKSTAGE HALLWAY - LATER**

Eric is walking through the crowded hallway, an ASSISTANT PRODUCER walking at his side.

His phone BUZZES in his pocket. He pulls it out - the screen displays a number, with "SOUTH PARK, CO" below it.

ERIC: What the fuck? He answers the phone.

ERIC: Who the hell is this?

JIMMY (O.C.): Hey Eric, it's Jimmy.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle Broflovski's day gets thrown by a call from the past.

**INT. KYLE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT**

It's a small one bedroom, Ikea furniture that's hidden under paperwork and files.

The door opens, letting in KYLE (played by Jonah Hill; late 30s, mussed hair, scruffy beard and an equally scruffy suit with a loosened tie), his arms full of more files to feed to the clutter and a messenger bag slung on one shoulder.

His phone begins RINGING from his pocket, which kicks him into high gear as he rushes to set things down and free a hand so he can answer.

KYLE: Brenda - thanks for getting back to me -

JIMMY (O.C.): Kyle - Kyle Broflovski?

Kyle takes a minute, realizing the male voice is not Brenda.

KYLE: Speaking.

JIMMY (O.C.): It's Jimmy.

KYLE: Jimmy?

JIMMY (O.C.): Jimmy Valmer. From South Park.

KYLE: Oh... hey dude, it's, uh, been awhile.

JIMMY (O.C.): It's Kenny. He k-k-k-killed himself.

Kyle lowers the phone - shock.

KYLE: That bastard.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo (don't call him Butters!) doesn't have time for a call from the past.

**INT. FOX NEWS - OFFICES - NIGHT**

LEO (née Butters; played by David Spade; late 30s, lanky, sullen eyes under a mop of dirty blonde hair) has papers in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other as he navigates the cubicle farm.

His phone buzzes in his pocket.

He tucks the papers under his arm and answers.

JIMMY (O.C.): Hello b-b-

LEO: It's Leo, Jimmy.

JIMMY (O.C.): Right, Leo - so, what's up?

LEO: The only reason you'd call me is Kenny's dead and you need someone to fill his place.

JIMMY (O.C.): You and me go way back, b-b-

LEO: Leo.

JIMMY: Right, Leo.

Leo shifts the phone to his shoulder to free up a hand as he gets to an office door.

LEO: Am I the last one you called?

JIMMY (O.C.): No b-b-uh - bro, I haven't called Stan.

Leo opens the door and edges into -

**INT. FOX NEWS - ERIC'S OFFICE**

Eric looks up from his desk. Leo's still on the phone.

LEO: He still lives there.

ERIC: Oh my God, is that Jimmy? Tell that fucker to leave me alone.

Leo hangs up the phone without a goodbye.

LEO: Rupert wants to see you.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somebody messed with Kyle's car rental reservation. Those bastards!

**INT. DENVER AIRPORT - TERMINAL A - NIGHT**

Kyle pulls a carry-on suitcase, his messenger bag slung on one shoulder, as he moves with the stream of passengers coming out of the gate.

**EXT. DENVER AIRPORT - TRANSPORTATION AND PICKUP**

He comes out the doors and into the cold - he looks at the various signs indicating shuttle pickup, taxi pickup, etc.

Kyle stops when he stops a MAN dressed in a black suit, standing next to a black Maybach.

His eyes go to the sign in the Man's hands - "Broflovski."

KYLE (to himself): Goddamnit.

He pointedly marches past the man and toward a Hertz shuttle.

**INT. HERTZ RENTAL - MOMENTS LATER**

An AGENT is tapping away at his computer.

AGENT: I'm sorry sir, it just says it was cancelled.

KYLE: But I didn't cancel it!

The Agent gives him a placating, "I just work here" smile.

Kyle lets out a long sigh.

KYLE: Fine, just - give me whatever is available.

AGENT: We're all booked.

**EXT. DENVER AIRPORT - TRANSPORTATION AND PICKUP**

Kyle gets off the Hertz shuttle and walks a few yards down

He gets on the Hilton Airport shuttle - watched by the Man in black the whole time.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle takes an unexpected detour.

**INT. HILTON AIRPORT SHUTTLE - MOMENTS LATER**

Kyle's almost dozing against the window of the shuttle when he hears the ROAR of a car.

He looks out the window and spots the black Maybach racing up to the shuttle.

KYLE: Goddamnit.

The Maybach gets in front of the shuttle and slows.

The shuttle does the same and pulls over.

Kyle watches as the Maybach driver gets out and heads to the driver's side window.

The shuttle driver and the Man exchange a few words - the Man passing a folded wad of bills through he window.

The shuttle driver looks at Kyle through the large rearview mirror.

SHUTTLE DRIVER: Sorry man, looks like we're having some mechanical issues. But this nice gentleman says he can drive you.

Kyle looks out the windows at where they're stopped and spots a large, dilapidated sign for the "South Park Daily."

He hefts his messenger bag on his shoulder and grabs his carry-on.

KYLE: I'm good.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric has a meeting with a man that scares even him.

**INT. FOX NEWS STUDIO - THE TOP FLOOR**

Eric sits on a large, leather couch, which occupies a small space in the cavernous office.

Rupert Murdoch (played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, with a bald cap and glasses) sits in a high backed leather chair.

The two hold glasses of some sort of liquor.

RUPERT: Think of it as time off to mourn your friend.

ERIC: We weren't exactly close.

Rupert leans forward toward Eric.

RUPERT: We have interests there.

ERIC: In Park County?

RUPERT (shrugs): How do you think we found you?

Rupert leans back.

RUPERT: I need someone there. Someone I can trust. Can I trust you Eric?

Eric takes a sip, then a begrudging sigh.

ERIC: Can an altar boy trust -

RUPERT: Don't.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle ventures into what seems to be the abandoned halls of "The South Park Daily", but is he really alone?

**EXT. THE SOUTH PARK DAILY - EVENING**

Kyle stands at the front of the building looking through the grimy glass and into the darkness beyond.

He holds up a hand to knock, but, on a whim, he tries the door.

It opens.

**INT. THE SOUTH PARK DAILY - FRONT**

Kyle edges through the door, wheeling his carry-on behind him.

The door closes behind him, leaving him in the gloomy darkness of a business long past its prime.

KYLE: Hello?

**INT. THE SOUTH PARK DAILY - MAIN FLOOR**

He moves past the empty desks, the wheels of his bag skittering on the various debris that litters the floor.

A RUSTLING further in the back causes him to stop.

He heads forward again, a little slower.

**INT. THE SOUTH PARK DAILY - ARCHIVE ROOM**

Rows of shelves fill the dark room.

Kyle walks the rows, peering down them - he heads down a row.

A box flies off the shelf at him!

He jumps back as it hits the floor!

He looks up in time to see a flash of what looks like an orange parka in the row next to him.

KYLE: I'm not playing fucking games here!

Kyle moves quickly back down the row, then heads along the bookshelves, looking down row after row.

He's barely catching a glimpse of the orange parka on the other end, also running past row after row.

Then he catches a glimpse of it going the other way.

He spins around and - BAM!

Kyle slams hard into somebody -

KYLE: Oh shit!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle visits with a f-f-familiar friend.

**INT. THE SOUTH PARK DAILY - JIMMY'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER**

Two glasses plopped on a table, followed by the generic light brown of more Movie Liquor™.

KYLE: Dude, I'm so sorry.

JIMMY: Not your f-f-fault. I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that.

JIMMY (played by Jon Hamm; late 30s, unkempt hair matching a scruffy beard, wearing a loose fitting collared shirt that's seen better days) slides a glass toward Kyle.

Kyle takes a sip from the proffered glass.

KYLE: And there's no one else here?

Jimmy sets his crutches to the side of the other chair at the table and sits.

JIMMY: Just me. It's how it's been for the p-p-past few years. Just me.

Kyle looks around Jimmy's office - a small desk lamp the only illumination.

Its walls have framed articles and various awards.

The desk lamp fights for space amongst files, an iMac that's on its last days and what looks to be several pads worth of used stickie notes everywhere.

KYLE: What happened?

JIMMY: Life. How long you here for?

KYLE: I have a flight out on Sunday, right after...

Jimmy nods, understanding.

A shared silence as they both take a tacit sip in Kenny's memory.

JIMMY: That should be enough time.

KYLE: For what?

JIMMY: To find out who killed Kenny.

KYLE: But you said -

JIMMY: I wasn't sure who was listening.

KYLE: The police ruled it a suicide - he shot himself!

JIMMY: In the back of the head?


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric starts to regret coming back to Colorado as soon as he steps off Fox News' private jet.

**EXT. DENVER AIRPORT - PRIVATE JET TERMINAL - SAME EVENING**

Eric pauses at the top of the steps leading down from the Gulfstream G650, taking in the Colorado sunset.

He still looks out as he takes a step down - he pauses - his eyes lock on the hangar across the way.

Someone in an orange parka, hood up, stares at him, then disappears into the hangar.

ERIC: Fuuuuuuuck you.

**EXT. DENVER AIRPORT - HANGER - MOMENTS LATER**

Eric approaches the side door of the hangar, where the orange parka went in.

He opens it slowly and sees nothing but darkness.

A moment as he considers, then shuts the door and turns -

ERIC: AHHHHH!

He's face to face with... Leo.

ERIC: What the fuck, dude?

LEO: Did you see him, too?

ERIC: No - I - see what?

Leo moves past him, opens the door and heads into the hangar.

ERIC (to himself): Goddamnit.

He follows Leo in.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric and Leo come face to face with...

**INT. DENVER AIRPORT - HANGER**

Leo keeps walking deeper in, staying in the light from the open door.

Eric closes the gap between them.

The door lets out a squeak - Eric turns to rush back toward it as it SLAMS shut.

DARKNESS.

ERIC: Fuuuuuuck you.

A SCAMPERING sound.

ERIC: Butters...

LEO: It's L-

ERIC: Shut up - where are you?

The scampering sound comes from the other side.

LEO: Here... no right - that's -

ERIC: Is that your hand?

LEO: Do you hear that?

The scampering's stopped - replaced by a slow, raspy breathing... that's close.

ERIC: Oh... God.

A LOUD CLANG!

They both SCREAM in terror!

Their screams cover the sound of the large hangar door starting to open.

Sunlight cuts through the darkness - illuminating the two, locked in a terrified embrace.

An airport MAINTENANCE MAN is in the process of opening the door, the G650 wheeling toward the hangar.

The Maintenance Man stops and looks at the Fox News commentator in the arms of his producer.

He lets out a sharp bark of a laugh.

MAINTENANCE MAN: I fucking knew it!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle is taken by the mysterious driver to the one person he's been avoiding his whole life.

**EXT. THE SOUTH PARK DAILY**

Kyle waits as Jimmy is locking the front door.

JIMMY: Just think about it - at least go talk to him.

Jimmy turns to join Kyle, leading him to his beat-up minivan, keys in hand.

JIMMY: Kenny saw him the night he d-d-died.

Before Kyle can respond, a black Maybach pulls to a stop in front of the van.

KYLE: Jesus Christ.

JIMMY: You should j-j-just get it over with.

**INT. MAYBACH - LATER**

Kyle rests his head against the window, almost at sleep's door as he watches the sun begin to rise over the outskirts of town.

The buildings get more industrial the farther out they go until there's just open land.

The car slows as it pulls to a large iron gate, with an ornate "T and F" that separates as it swings open.

**EXT. TEGRIDY ESTATE**

The Maybach pulls to a stop, the Man opening Kyle's door before he can even think to do so from the inside.

Kyle steps out, his sleep deprived eyes blinking against the morning sun as he takes in the large white mansion in front of him.

He sees a woman - HEIDI (played by Rose Byrne; late 30s, long brown hair, a white dress that seems to both flow and stick to her figure) standing in the open doorway of the house.

Her hand rests on the shoulder of a boy - TEDDY (played by @HaleyJoelOsment; mussed red hair, a sprinkling of freckles on a face that's still in those muddled tween years).

Kyle and Heidi lock eyes, then, with a light squeeze of Teddy's shoulder, she leads him back inside.

Kyle looks back at the sound of another car pulling up.

It stops behind the Maybach, letting out Eric and Leo.

Eric looks up at the large mansion.

ERIC: How quaint.

Kyle turns back to the house to see STAN (played by Michael Fassbender; late 30s, black hair showing a little bit of grey, a trimmed goatee, wearing a polo and slacks) coming down the steps toward him with a large smile.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The former friends find themselves in the same room for the first time in years and it is... awkward.

**INT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER**

Kyle, Leo and Eric sit in the room, finding seats with the most distance between them, as Stan comes in.

He balances two glasses of liquor in one hand, and holds two by the rim with the fingers of the other.

Stan moves around the room, handing out the drinks.

STAN: Aged 21 years. Good stuff.

Stan sits, then slides forward, his glass in the air.

STAN: To, uh, old friends.

Leo and Kyle look at each other, then clink glasses with Stan.

Eric follows suit.

Kyle, Leo and Stan take sips.

Eric looks at his glass.

Stan sits back, looking at the three.

Silence.

Awkward.

Silence.

Eric keeps looking at the glass in his hands.

Stan notices.

STAN: Oh, shit. Eric, sorry - I just - I should have asked.

Eric looks up from his glass at Stan.

ERIC: What?

STAN: You're - I mean -

ERIC: I'm not a fucking alcoholic, Stan. In fact I'd say you're being a little stingy with the pour. But...

The other three wait.

ERIC: You had your finger in this.

Kyle closes his eyes - this is the familiar shit he didn't want.

Stan frowns.

STAN: I can get you a new one.

Eric stands.

ERIC: I think I might have a little more regard for hygiene.

He points toward the back of the house.

ERIC: That way?

Stan half-standing, then sits - giving up the fight to be a good host - and gives a nod.

Eric heads out of the room.

The three sit quietly.

Leo takes another sip, and gives a little cough at the strong stuff.

KYLE: Where's the bathroom?

Stan points out another entryway.

STAN: Hang a left and you'll see it on your right.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric might have met more than his match.

**INT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - FOYER**

Eric heads up the large stairs to a landing, looking left, then deciding on right.

He hears the SOUNDS of someone playing Fortnite.

Eric comes to a stop just outside an open bedroom door.

He still holds the glass of liquor.

He peers in, seeing Teddy sitting in a gaming chair, playing Fortnite on a PC.

ERIC: Sweet setup, dude.

Teddy jumps at the voice.

TEDDY: Thanks?

ERIC: You got another control so I can join in?

TEDDY: It's not local co-op.

Teddy's back into the game.

Eric's thinking for a moment, then sets his glass in front of Teddy and pulls out his wallet.

ERIC: Five bucks if you take a sip.

TEDDY: What is it?

ERIC: It's grown up juice.

Teddy sniffs it.

TEDDY: Balvenie 21 Year PortWood. Dad must not like you guys enough to bring out the good stuff.

The two regard each other.

TEDDY: Five hundred dollars.

ERIC: What!? Twenty.

TEDDY: Five hundred or I tell everyone that Fox News' Eric Cartman came into my room and tried to force me to get drunk.

**MOMENTS LATER**

Eric is stepping out of Teddy's room, holding the empty cup in one hand.

Heidi's waiting right next to the door.

Eric stops.

ERIC: Heidi.

HEIDI: So you two met?

ERIC: Stubborn bastard.

HEIDI: Just like his dad.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle tells the rest about the contact Jimmy gave him to dig deeper into Kenny's death.

**INT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - FOYER - MOMENTS LATER**

Eric heads back down the stairs toward a corner by the front door where Kyle's carry-on, his messenger bag and another satchel hang.

Eric goes to the other satchel, pulls out a plastic ziplock bag and drops the glass in, sealing it and putting it back in.

He heads out of the foyer, not noticing Kyle, standing in the bathroom door, witnessing the weirdness.

**EXT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - LATER**

The four are outside walking between the flourishing rows of weed.

STAN: ...I didn't even know he was still in South Park until Jimmy called me with the news.

KYLE: Have any of you talked to Jimmy since you got here?

Leo shakes his head, no.

LEO: Eric was really gung ho to get here.

ERIC: I wanted to see my good friend Stan.

The other three regard him warily.

Stan looks at Kyle.

STAN: Did you?

Kyle gives a slow nod.

KYLE: He told me he thinks Kenny was murdered.

STAN: He's trying to stir things up. To sell papers.

Eric lets out a short, bark of a laugh.

ERIC: Good luck.

Kyle stops walking - the three turn to him.

KYLE: He said there's someone I - we should talk to.

**EXT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - FRONT DRIVE - MOMENTS LATER**

The black Maybach leads the way, followed by Eric and Leo's car.

**INT. ERIC AND LEO'S CAR**

Leo drives as Eric sits in the back, dumping things out of Leo's satchel.

ERIC: Where is it!?

LEO: Careful with my stuff!

ERIC: What did you do with it?!

LEO: With what?

ERIC: The goddamn cup - I paid five hundred bucks for it!

Leo's shoulders slump in disappointment.

LEO: You went to the Tegridy gift shop without me?


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past always seems to find its way to Skeeter's.

**INT. SKEETER'S WINE BAR - LATER**

The four enter the bar, stopping to let their eyes adjust to the low light ambiance.

SKEETER (getting on in his years, his once almost orange curls look as desaturated as his once hot pink western shirt) stops wiping down the bar to see who it is.

A small smile creeps on his face as he locks eyes with them, then nods toward the back.

The four make their way to a dark corner of the room, toward a table, where a man - NED (played by Michael Douglas; obviously old, but how old is hard to tell) - sits, his features cloaked in darkness.

Ned's electrolayrnx cuts through the darkness as he speaks through the device at his throat.

NED: It's been a while, Stan.

Ned leans forward, the four gasp as his scarred features come into light.

A black bandana is wrapped around his forehead, and a white, patchy mustache and soul patch grow from pockets of unscarred skin around his mouth and chin.

NED: Seems like everyone's coming back to Park County these days.

Kyle looks at Stan - Stan gives a shrug, not sure who Ned's talking about.

STAN: Who else is here?

NED: Was here. Jerome McElroy.

KYLE: Chef?

ERIC: He's dead.

The scar tissue around his lips seems like it might crack as he smiles.

NED: That's what they want you to think. They saved him. Kept him alive with their machines.

LEO: Wh - who?

NED: Who do you think?

STAN: Oh, Jesus. You can't keep going on about this.

KYLE: About what?

STAN: He's into that whole nonsense about a secret group of liberal elite pedophiles hiding their crimes across international borders!

NED: Not across borders. They're here now. That's what McElroy - Chef - was here for. To set up shop.

Eric feels his phone BUZZ.

He pulls it out and checks.

A message from Rupert - "trust him."

Eric looks around.

NED: Don't believe me? Check out the new Wayfair distribution center. I told your friend the same thing.

KYLE: You told Kenny?

NED:And then he died.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang goes on a stakeout!

**EXT. WAYFAIR DISTRIBUTION CENTER - NIGHT**

The four sit in Leo and Eric's car, parked in a dark alley across from the dead-looking distribution center.

KYLE: I can't believe we're actually doing this.

LEO: What exactly are we doing?

STAN: A whole lot of nothing. Nothing's gone in or out of there for the past hour.

Eric opens the door to get out.

KYLE: Dude! What are you doing?

ERIC: There's nothing to see and no one watching us. Just chill.

Eric takes a few steps away from the car and pulls out his phone, making a call.

ERIC: I swear, if there are kids in there and you're involved, I get a cut.

RUPERT (O.C.): I'm not involved, Eric. Just get me something and we can shut them down.

ERIC: How?

The line's dead.

He gives a frustrated sigh.

A scrapping sound from within the alley.

Eric turns to the darkness.

ERIC: Fuuuuuck you.

He hears it again.

Then -

JIMMY: I brought snacks!

ERIC: Awwww!

He jumps and spins around to see Jimmy on his crutches, holding up a plastic bag from a convenience store.

ERIC: Shit, Jimmy! What the hell?

JIMMY: A s-s-sstakeout - so cool!

Then they feel a RUMBLE beneath their feet.

ERIC: The fuck?

They head to the car, Eric opens the door.

ERIC: Did you guys feel that?

STAN: Feel what?

Eric starts pulling him out.

STAN: Dude, what the hell?

Stan gets out, followed by the other two.

Stan's glowering at Eric, Leo's looking around nervously.

Then - another rumble.

They all look at each other, realizing.

Jimmy reaches into the plastic bag and pulls out a yellow package.

JIMMY: Mallomars, a-a-anyone?


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang venture into a part of South Park they've never been before.

**EXT. WAYFAIR DISTRIBUTION CENTER - STREET - MOMENTS LATER**

The five are gathered around a manhole, Kyle and Stan work at pulling it up, while Eric and Jimmy watch, and Leo looks nervously down the deserted street.

INT. SEWERS

Kyle's almost down the ladder, Stan above him.

Eric comes down, followed by Leo, who's holding Jimmy's crutches.

JIMMY: All clear?

LEO: Go for it, Jimmy.

Jimmy scurries down the ladder quickly, using just his arms, moving from rung to rung like a spider monkey.

STAN: Holy shit!

KYLE: Dude!

Jimmy hangs from a rung.

JIMMY: Two time silver in men's rings. Next year, I'm going for g-g-gold!

Leo hands Jimmy his crutches and Jimmy dismounts.

**MOMENTS LATER**

The five are making their way through the tunnel, the lights from their phones barely illuminating the dank sewer.

They stop as they feel the RUMBLE again, coming from their left.

Kyle swings his phone light that way and sees a large door with a vault style handle on it.

Large, faded letters scream like a message from the past: "DANGER! OFF FLOW! DO NOT OPEN!"

Kyle looks at the other four, then grabs the handle and attempts to turn it.

Kyle puts more muscle into turning the handle.

Stan steps up to help Kyle - it moves a fraction of an inch.

LEO: Guys, should we be opening that?

Jimmy moves forward, helping the other two - with his might, it spins freely.

The door flies open, pushed by a rush of something from the other side!

The five let out screams as Kyle, Stan and Jimmy are thrown back into the filth!

A moment - then they realize it was just air escaping from the now open doorway into the sewer.

The three who were knocked down stand up, sewage seeping off them.

Eric laughs at the sight.

ERIC: Fucking gross, dude.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone's been busy beneath the streets of South Park.

**INT. BRIGHTLY LIT TUNNEL - MOMENTS LATER**

A tunnel that's everything the sewer tunnel is not - large, clean, modern and well lit.

The five step through the doorway, blinking against the brightness.

KYLE: What is this?

STAN: It looks like - like one of Elon Musk's Boring Tunnels.

ERIC: A Boring Tunnel in South Park?

They start walking, continuing in the same direction they were heading in the sewer.

They see the end of the tunnel, terminating at a large vehicle elevator - larger than even a standard Boring Tunnel elevator.

The five look at it, and around - then - RUMBLING!

STAN: Shit! Something's coming!

They scurry around, looking for a place to hide or at least get out of the way in the narrow tunnel.

KYLE: Over here!

He's found a recessed doorway - they head toward it as he opens it up.

**INT. WAYFAIR DISTRIBUTION CENTER - STAIRWELL**

The five pile in, looking up at the multilevel flight of stairs.

Kyle, still holding the door, looks back to see a Tesla Semi slow as it approaches the vehicle elevator.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It turns out that Wayfair might be delivering an enemy from the gang's past...

**INT. WAYFAIR DISTRIBUTION CENTER - UPPERLEVEL**

The five come out of the stairwell door onto a metal walkway that wraps around the work floor below.

They lean over the railing and watch as the Tesla Semi comes off the elevator.

Men quickly get to work, opening the back and pulling out wooden crates stamped with "S.A.C." on them.

Standing around, monitoring the work are ARMED SECURITY in tactical gear.

A side garage door opens, letting a Tesla Roadster ZOOM IN.

They watch as ELON MUSK (he's played by Charlize Theron. Like Elon, she's South African) steps out of the Roadster.

The door to a collection of offices on the side of the work floor open, letting out JOHN PODESTA (played by Giancarlo Esposito), followed by HILLARY CLINTON (played by Meryl Streep).

ELON: There's my girl.

Elon and Hillary share a quick embrace.

HILLARY: Elon, so good to see you again.

JOHN: Are they in there?

Elon gives a wave toward the crates.

ELON: Open them up.

John takes a crowbar and pries off the side of one of the large wooden crates.

Jimmy gets his phone out, and opens the camera app.

We see that the FLASH IS ON!

Oh shit!

John finishes pulling the side of the crate off, revealing kids huddled within its confines.

ELON: We're way ahead of schedule.

JOHN: This is excellent!

ELON: Well, I couldn't have done it without the help of our dear friend.

The trio on the floor look back toward a dark corner of the work floor, near the door of the office they came out of.

A large, hulking FIGURE starts to step into the light.

KYLE: Chef?

FLASH! Jimmy's camera fires.

For a moment, everything on the floor DISAPPEARS!

KYLE: What the fuck?

Then it's all back again - the hulking Figure stepping back into the shadows - we don't seem him.

What we do see is the other faces of the criminal conspiracy looking up toward the walkway, toward the source of the flash.

JIMMY: S-s-sorry fellas.

STAN: Run!

LEO: Oh, hamburgers!


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang reach deep down and muster their ninja skills from years ago in order to attempt to escape the clutches of the S.A.C. and Wayfair.

**INT. WAYFAIR DISTRIBUTION CENTER - STAIRWELL**

They head back into the stairwell, going past the warehouse floor, back toward the Boring Tunnel level

A SECURITY team is already down there, heading up toward them!

The five reverse their descent, and come out at -

**INT. WAYFAIR DISTRIBUTION CENTER - WORK FLOOR**

They come to an immediate stop as security surrounds them.

Jimmy grabs one of his crutches and hoists it, ready to attack.

We may or may not HEAR *Let's Fighting Love* faintly playing, like a soundtrack from another time, another universe.

JIMMY: You ready guys?

KYLE: Dude, they have guns.

Unseen behind them, an orange parka-ed figure moves in, slipping behind Eric and tasing him from behind.

Eric goes down - Leo's the only one who notices, just as he gets a taser to the neck.

Stan turns around at the sound of Leo collapsing.

He gets tased by the orange parka, quickly followed by Kyle.

Jimmy turns around to see his friends in an unconscious heap, but not a hint of the orange parka.

He turns toward the security team facing off with him.

With a yell, he pivots off one crutch, and launches himself forward!

To his surprise, he goes sailing THROUGH the security men in front of him!

He lands with a THUD on the ground - dazed as the orange parka appears before him.

He tries to stand.

A loud ZAP of the taser and he's out.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle meets a long lost friend he thought was dead.

**INT. DANK BASEMENT**

Kyle is slumped in a chair, the only light is right above him.

He stirs, shakes his head and tries to reach a hand to his eyes - but they're bound behind him!

He struggles to free himself from the chair.

A rattling at the door.

Kyle stops struggling, his eyes locked on the door, not sure what's in store for him.

The door bursts open!

A figure walks in, but Kyle, squinting against the light above him, can't make out who it is.

The figure is suddenly upon him.

It's -

KYLE: Kenny!

Kenny, wearing a black turtleneck, and black pants is working at the tape that holds Kyle.

Kyle watches his once-dead friend get off the tape, freeing him.

KYLE: You're alive.

KENNY: Not for long if you keep talking! Come on.

INT. HALLWAY: Kenny leads Kyle into the fluorescent-lit, concrete hallway.

Kenny stops - pulling out two handguns, handing one to Kyle and racking the other.

KENNY: This could get messy.

Suddenly a YELL as figures clad in black flip in from both sides of the hallway - ninjas!

Kenny and Kyle blast their way out.

They make their way up a narrow stairway.

Kenny shoots the last ninja between them and freedom, sending the body sprawling past Kyle to the floor below.

Kenny pushes through the door and into -


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny takes Kyle into the heart of the conspiracy.

**INT. COMET PING PONG PIZZERIA - KITCHEN**

They come out into the pizzeria's fully staffed kitchen.

The cooks and waitstaff turn toward them, pulling guns from waistbands, or under tables - but they're no match for Kenny and Kyle.

The two take a minute to catch their breath as the acrid scent of gunpowder mixes with that of meatballs and marinara.

**INT. COMET PING PONG PIZZERIA - DINING AREA**

They're sitting at a table, a pizza - half pepperoni, half cheese - sitting between them, guns on the table.

Other diners enjoy their meals oblivious to the bloodstained pair.

KYLE: Where are we?

Kenny helps himself to a slice of pepperoni, and serves Kyle a slice of cheese.

KENNY: Comet Ping Pong. Best damn pizza in the metro DC area.

KYLE: We need to call the cops!

KENNY: As soon as you shine a light, they disappear. The only way to get them is to kill the source.

KYLE: But - but how?

KENNY: To kill a bully, you have to become the bully.

Kyle watches Kenny a moment.

KYLE: Dude, I've missed you.

KENNY: I've missed you, too. But we've all got our battles to fight.

KYLE: But that's just it. We used to fight them together, didn't we?

Kenny weighs this, then.

KENNY: There's not much time.

KYLE: What?

Kenny leans in over the table.

KENNY: Look closely.

Kyle leans in.

KENNY: KYLE!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang come to and realize today is the day...

**INT. WAYFAIR DISTRIBUTION CENTER - WORK FLOOR**

Kyle's spread out on the floor, Stan is crouched over him.

The other three are in various states of consciousness.

STAN: Kyle! Come on man, get up!

Kyle opens his eyes.

Stan helps him stand.

They look around the floor - its empty, no sign of a pedophile ring anywhere.

JIMMY: G-g-Godamn it! They took my phone!

KYLE: I saw - I saw Kenny and he -

STAN: Shit - what time is it?

They realize.

LEO: It's time.

The group looks even more glum.

They take shuffling steps toward the exit.

Jimmy pauses a moment, falling behind them.

He slides a little panel on his crutch.

He reaches in and pulls out a small camera lens and smart card contraption from inside the crutch.

He smiles to himself as he pockets the memory card and continues after them.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The South Park Cemetery digs up a mysterious man from the gang's past.

**EXT. SOUTH PARK CEMETERY - LATER**

It's a gray, rainy day, because, you know, it's a movie funeral.

Kyle is lost in thought as they stand by the graveside as FATHER MAXI (played by Brian Cox) is saying some words.

Then, someone catches his eye - across the way is a MAN (played by Gary Oldman) in a wheelchair, a heavy blanket on his lap.

The man is old, wisps of white hang from his bald head like thin cotton. A white mustache, patchy with age, almost blends into his pale face.

He locks eyes with Kyle.

The Man smacks his lips and his BODY MAN (tall, bulky, dressed in white) leans over and holds a cup of something with a straw sticking out of it.

The Man takes the straw in his dry lips and sips.

Kyle's attention is drawn back to the ceremony as the coffin is lowered.

LATER The five are walking together, Heidi and Teddy trailing behind.

Kyle turns to Stan.

KYLE: The man in the wheelchair - was that -

STAN: Are you in town much longer?

Kyle weighs this change of subject a moment.

KYLE: Flying out tonight.

STAN: You want to come by, have an early dinner?

KYLE: I'm - I'm good, dude. I'm going to get some sleep before my flight.

STAN: Right, yeah. That's - that's a good idea.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang head their separate ways.

**EXT. DENVER AIRPORT - PRIVATE JET TERMINAL - EVENING**

Eric is on the stairs to the G650, Leo behind him, when Eric stops cold.

ERIC: My work here is not done.

INT. HILTON AIRPORT SHUTTLE Kyle's in the airport shuttle, his eyes passively taking in the blur of the town - but they catch something.

He stands up.

**EXT. HILTON AIRPORT SHUTTLE**

Kyle gets off the shuttle and it rolls off, revealing the "South Park Daily" building.

**INT. SOUTH PARK DAILY - JIMMY'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER**

Two glasses set down on the table between Jimmy and Kyle, the same liquor poured in.

Kyle doesn't touch his.

KYLE: It just doesn't make sense. If that was what Kenny found - they'd be gone by now.

JIMMY: Not every c-c-conspiracy runs deep, Kyle.

Kyle's thinking, lost in thought.

Jimmy takes a slow sip, his eyes on Kyle.

Then Kyle notices the bare spots on the walls, clean spots where pictures once hung.

His eyes fall to a box, said pictures piled in it, tucked in the corner of the office.

Kyle locks eyes with Jimmy. Jimmy chugs his liquor, emptying the glass.

KYLE: Leaving?

JIMMY: Just, you know, s-s-sprucing up.

KYLE: They got to you.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not over...

**EXT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - FRONT DRIVE - LATER**

Eric and Leo's car pulls to a stop in the driveway.

Stan is coming down the steps as Eric and Leo get out.

STAN: I thought you'd be gone by now?

Eric is moving quickly past him.

ERIC: I won't be long.

STAN: Come to see Heidi?

This stops Eric.

ERIC: No, dude, I - I came to see my best friend.

A minivan drives up, stopping behind Eric and Leo's.

The three turn to see Kyle get out of the passenger side, followed by Jimmy from the driver's side.

Eric stops, his eyes locking on Jimmy.

ERIC: What is he still doing here?

KYLE: You knew?

STAN: Knew what?

ERIC: Meet my new associate producer.

STAN: What the fuck?

ERIC: I know, right? What the fuck are you associate producing here?

**INT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - FOYER**

The five are walking in.

Eric keeps going though, not bothering to stop.

ERIC:I'm thirsty.

A moment, but the other four jump back into a conversation that was already started.

KYLE: Ned said Kenny was on to something. He saw him at the carnival with something in hand.

STAN: So, if he was killed, they took it and that's it.

LEO: Unless he didn't have it anymore.

Kyle gives an urgent nod.

KYLE: He gave it to someone.

Stan knows where this is going before we do.

JIMMY: But w-w-who?

Kyle looks right at Stan.

KYLE: Someone no one would ever believe.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The man in the parka is revealed!

**INT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER**

Stan and Kyle are standing, while Leo and Jimmy are sitting, on the edge of their seats.

Stan has his back to Kyle.

KYLE: He needed to keep it safe, but he also wanted to give it to someone who wouldn't get hurt having it.

STAN: You're starting to sound like them, Kyle!

KYLE: Fuck you, man! This is our friend - our friend was killed -

STAN: And we found out why! We saw it - and it's over! We did our part - we avenged him and shut down a major operation! I mean, have you seen the news - the footage is all over Fox - Hillary, the DNC, even Elon Musk are all going down!

LEO: They all have airtight alibis.

STAN: What?

LEO: I've been on the phone all day with the news desk, fellas. None of them were ever here.

Stan looks at Kyle.

KYLE: Someone wanted us to see what was going on there.

Kyle looks at Jimmy.

JIMMY: And someone k-k-knew I always keep a camera in my r-r-right crutch.

STAN: What?

KYLE: Where do you think they got the footage from?

STAN: But why take his phone?

Kyle looks at Jimmy.

KYLE: Show him.

Jimmy pulls out his new phone and opens up a video.

He hands it to Stan.

Stan watches the video, which shows the events from the Wayfair distribution center.

STAN: What's this supposed to prove? They're all there, no matter what their alibis say!

Kyle takes the phone, and scrubs the video slowly around the point where Jimmy's flash went off, then lets it sit at a freeze frame.

The whole work floor in the video is empty.

STAN: Jesus Christ...

KYLE: It was all projections.

STAN: But why?

KYLE: I - I don't know.

Leo's looking at his phone - then jumps up.

He grabs the remote for wall-mounted TV and turns it on, switching it to Fox News.

LEO: He's why.

On the screen, being interviewed by a Fox News ANCHOR is the Man in the orange parka - a lower third identifies him as PAUL FURBER.

PAUL FURBER (his South African accent coming through the TV): This latest footage shows that I was right!

Jimmy looks intently at the screen - something nagging at him.

JIMMY: I've s-s-seen him before...

ANCHOR (on TV): That Q was right.

PAUL FURBER: No, that's - I mean, yes, but that I am, without a doubt Q!

LEO: He's been saying that he's Q for a while now, ever since Q stopped posting his drops on Paul's site and started doing it on another site owned by an American who runs a pig farm in the Philippines and thinks that JFK Jr is still alive.

KYLE: What the fuck?

LEO: You don't know how many times I've almost picked up the phone to tell you to move to Canada and live with your brother.

There's an outburst on the TV, drawing their attention back to it.

PAUL FURBER: Of course - of course they would say that! And have convenient evidence! What don't you get about a heavily connected, powerful cabal of elitist pedophiles? They have people generate -

ANCHOR: Our analysts are also saying that the footage seems to be, not manipulated, but actually just video of projections - of holograms.

Paul looks at the Anchor a moment, swallows hard, then stand up, taking his lav off.

ANCHOR: Mr. Furber?

PAUL FURBER: I have to - I have to go and - finish things.

The four look at each other.

KYLE: We helped this guy spread his lies - we almost took down innocent people - who knows how long they're going to have to spend trying to clear their names?

STAN: We did it because we chased after Kenny's stupid conspiracies. Now you want to do it again?

KYLE: But that's the thing! We didn't, we let ourselves get tricked into not finding what Kenny was after. We failed him, dude.

Stan is wrestling with something.

STAN: I can't - I can't do it, okay? He's a poisonous old man just looking out for his own self-interest!

KYLE: Looks like the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

Stan glares at Kyle.

The doorbell rings.

But the two can't stop glaring at each other.

LEO: I'll get it.

Leo is out of the room.

STAN: Have you visited your parents since you've gotten back?

LEO (O.C.): Oh, hello - you're the guy on TV!

KYLE: That's different - that's -

STAN: Why, because you're doing it from your moral high ground?

LEO: Umm, fellas?

STAN AND KYLE: Not now, Butters!

The two turn to see Leo standing in front of Paul Furber, the latter of whom is holding a gun.

LEO: It's - it's Leo.

PAUL FURBER: I tried to do this the easy way - but I need it. They don't believe me!

Jimmy's eyes go wide.

JIMMY: You were there!

STAN: Where?

JIMMY: At W-w-wayfair!

KYLE: That was all faked!

JIMMY: By him! He's the one who tased us!

ERIC:Dude, what the fuck?

PAUL FURBER: I needed you to find it! I tried to get the document your friend had so I could show the truth!

STAN: You killed Kenny.

KYLE: You bastard!

Despite having the gun, the energy changes in the room against Paul Furber.

PAUL FURBER: No! I got hit by a car before I could!

KYLE: You motherfucker!

PAUL FURBER: No, I wasn't going to kill him, I just wanted to scare him - and - then the car hit me, he was gone. So I needed to improvise -

STAN: So you created that whole elaborate thing and lured us to reveal it.

PAUL FURBER (relieved): Exactly!

KYLE: So, you're not Q.

PAUL FURBER: What? No, I am! I've just had some setbacks and needed to put a little something in the win column.

A moment, he realizes he has the gun, which he raises again.

PAUL FURBER: Just give me what your friend found!

STAN: Calm down, man.

PAUL FURBER: I know you have it!

STAN: I swear we don't!

Paul raises his gun to Leo's head.

PAUL FURBER: I'll shoot him!

KYLE: Stan...

Stan's wrestling with something inside.

KYLE: Stan!

STAN: All right, fine! Let's go!

**INT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - TEDDY'S ROOM**

Eric is standing next to Teddy, who's playing Fortnite from his game throne.

Eric has a glass of liquor in his hand again.

ERIC: A thousand bucks!?

KYLE(yelling from below): Eric! We're heading out!

Eric puts the glass down and pulls out his wallet.

ERIC: Goddamnit.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite Stan's reluctance, the gang heads to the last person Kenny visited just before his death.

**EXT. SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT - LATER**

Though it's a sunny day, the building has a heavy, dark pall over it.

**INT. SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT - HALLWAY**

The interior of the place carries that dark pall, enveloping the five as they walk down the hallway. Paul trails behind them, the gun tucked into his parka.

They stop at a door, Stan in front, his hand on the knob.

He takes a deep breath, then opens it.

**INT. SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT - RESIDENT ROOM**

They walk into the living quarters of one its residents.

The room is dark, the shades drawn.

MAN (from the darkness): Cordell, drink.

Then a lip smacking sound, followed by a long, slurping sip.

MAN: Cordell, forward.

The old Man that Kyle saw from the funeral is pushed forward in his wheelchair by the white uniformed attendant, CORDELL.

KYLE: Hello, Mr. Marsh. It's - uh - it's been awhile.

RANDY: Hello boys. Seems like everyone wants to see this crazy man all of a sudden.

KYLE: So Kenny was here?

Randy smiles slowly.

RANDY: Cordell, drink.

He smacks his somehow dry, yet moist lips together. The viscous saliva sticks to them as Cordell angles the straw toward Randy's mouth.

Randy takes a long slurp, then looks at the five.

RANDY: He was here and he gave me -

Cordell leaps into action!

A knife glistens, like its sucking up the scant light available into its blade!

It comes down into Randy's neck!

Blood spurts out across Kyle's shocked face!

Kyle turns to Paul!

KYLE: Shoot him!

PAUL FURBER: What?

KYLE: Shoot him!

PAUL FURBER: I - I can't!

Kyle and Leo lunge at Cordell, wrestling him to the ground!

Stan runs to the wheelchair!

STAN: Dad!

Stan tries to staunch the blood flowing from the wound.

STAN: Dad! Oh God! Dad!

Randy lets out a raspy, weak gasp.

RANDY: Son - my son...

STAN: Dad! I'm sorry! I should have visited you more!

RANDY: And?

STAN: What?

Randy lets out a melodramatic groan.

RANDY: Son, my life is slipping from me... what else... what else do you need to apologize for?

Stan's eyes narrow. He takes a hesitant lick of the "blood" on his hands.

ERIC: Oh, gross! Sick!

Stan stands up, the "blood" coating his front.

STAN: You asshole.

Randy sits up straight, all weakness and pretense gone.

RANDY: I'm not the one with blood on his hands.

Kyle and Leo realize something's not right and stand up.

Cordell holds up the knife, then stabs his hand, showing them it's a prop knife.

STAN: Enough of this shit. What did Kenny give you?

RANDY: Where's my apology?

Stan glares.

Kyle gives Stan a pleading look.

KYLE: Dude...

Stan takes a moment to unclench his jaw enough to say, through gritted teeth -

STAN: I'm sorry that, because of your rampant tax fraud, we arranged a plea deal to keep you out of jail.

RANDY: And...?

STAN: And I'm sorry that part of the deal involved removing you from all Tegridy Farms affairs, which allowed me to bring the business back from the brink of bankruptcy.

RANDY: Apology accepted. Now, was that so hard?

**EXT. SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT - MOMENTS LATER**

The six walk out.

Stan has the document that was once in Kenny's hands.

Paul whips out his gun.

PAUL FURBER: Hand it over!

Stan looks at him, then lunges.

He lands a hard punch that sends Paul reeling.

Stan is on top of him, punching him, years of rage at his dad raining down on Paul.

Kyle grabs Stan and pulls him off.

KYLE: Dude! Enough!

Leo picks up the gun.

He lets out a short laugh.

LEO: It's an Airsoft!


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang enjoys some City Wok while examining the document Kenny was killed over.

**INT. CITY WOK - LATER**

The five sit with untouched food around them.

Two CUSTOMERS come in, take in the restaurant, their eyes stopping hard on Stan's "blood" soaked appearance.

They immediately turn to go.

The owner, TUONG LU KIM (played by... I'm not touching this one), behind the counter is frantic.

TUONG LU KIM: He came in like that!

The door bings as the two depart.

TUONG LU KIM: Goddamnit.

The five ignore the commotion, hunched over the black and white document, filled with incomprehensible lines and symbols.

KYLE: Try it this way.

Kyle turns it ten degrees.

STAN: No, that's not it... how about this.

Stan takes it, and tries turning it.

LEO: It smells like lemon!

ERIC: Christ. Give it to me.

He takes the document.

ERIC: Anyone have a dollar?

STAN: I don't carry cash.

Eric looks at Kyle.

A moment, then Kyle reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dollar.

ERIC: You think I'd keep your lousy dollar?

He takes the dollar and aligns it with the document, and begins folding.

ERIC (muttering to himself): Half flag fold, until the Eye of Providence meets the eagle of resistance... trifold the green... then... and - there.

He holds up the folded document, it's no longer black and white, but a highly detailed color map.

They all lean over it.

STAN: But... we were there.

KYLE: But that's an exact point - somewhere deeper in there.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang returns to Wayfair to find out what's really going on.

**EXT. WAYFAIR DISTRIBUTION CENTER - SIDE ALLEY - EVENING**

The five are at the side door into the building.

Stan pulls aside some police tape blocking the door and tries it. It opens.

Stan leads the way in, followed by Leo, Jimmy and almost Eric, but Kyle stops him.

KYLE: Dude.

ERIC: Kyle, we are on a very important mission. I'll give you your dollar back after.

**INT. WAYFAIR DISTRIBUTION CENTER - WORK FLOOR**

They make their way in, the lights from their phones illuminating the dark, cavernous space.

They spread out.

Eric looks around and sees that the others are a good distance from him.

He switches off his phone light, and makes a call.

ERIC: We're close.

RUPERT (O.C.): Good, good.

ERIC: What do I do when we do find it?

RUPERT (O.C.): Leave that to me.

Eric hangs up.

LEO: Hey, fellas? What are we looking for?

KYLE: I - I don't know.

LEO: Oh, okay.

They continue looking for a moment, when Kyle tilts his head.

KYLE: Butters?

LEO: Leo.

KYLE: Right. Did you find something?

LEO: I mean, I don't know if it's anything...

**MOMENTS LATER**

They're gathered around Leo, all shining their lights on a part of the wall adorned by a large Q.

Eric lets out a sigh.

ERIC: Goddamnit Butters.

LEO: It's Leo.

ERIC: Fuck you, Butters.

Eric goes up to the Q and pushes in on its tail.

A square trapdoor on the floor pops up on a hidden hinge.

The five look at each other, then Kyle and Stan bend over and swing the cement square up and over, revealing a stairway that leads down.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang discover the root of the conspiracy underneath the streets of South Park.

**INT. UTILITY TUNNEL - MOMENTS LATER**

The five are in a narrow, sparsely lit utility tunnel.

They trudge forward, then come to a stop.

STAN: You got to be fucking kidding me.

A set of steel stairs rise before them, ending in a large door with an American flag Q stenciled on it.

They look at each other, not sure how to proceed.

JIMMY: Should we have brought g-g-guns?

Eric pushes through the other four and heads up the steps to the door.

ERIC: Whatever we brought, they'll have more.

KYLE: Shit.

LEO: Should we really go in -

But he's too late, Eric has the door open.

The other four trudge up after him.

**INT. Q HQ**

It's a large room made of shiny surfaces, with screens mounted everywhere and various personnel sitting at workstations throughout, oblivious to the five as they enter.

Across from where the five entered is a large, raised metal platform which looks to be a command center of sorts.

In the center of that command center is a large metal tube, about seven feet tall, angled back.

The screens around the room show various memes being generated and analyzed with overlays and charts flashing over and alongside them.

JIM WATKINS: You're too late - or just in time, for some of you.

JIM WATKINS (the Driver who killed Kenny - Mike Meyers reprising his Fat Bastard look from *Austin Powers 2*) steps from behind the large metal tube.

His son - the Passenger to Jim's Driver - RON WATKINS comes from the other side.

Eric's eyes narrow.

ERIC: Jim Watkins.

STAN: The pig farmer?

JIM WATKINS (angry): No!

PAUL FURBER: Stolen valor!

The five turn back toward the doorway, where Paul Furber stands.

KYLE: You followed us!?

PAUL FURBER: This man is not Q!

JIM WATKINS: Oh, God. Not this again. Q is not one man! Q is all of us!

A hissing sound emits from the metal tube to his side.

Jim Watkins smiles as white smoke starts to spew from the tube.

JIM WATKINS: It is time! Come on, get it ready!

Ron Watkins moves behind the tube and pushes it fully upright as the various personnel get up from their workstations and turn to watch.

Ron starts unlocking clasps along one side of it, this frees the front, which slowly opens, letting even more of the white smoke to belch out.

LEO: What - what is that?

JIM WATKINS: It is he who will rise!

Eric looks at Kyle.

ERIC: Oh shit dude, you're in trouble!

KYLE: It's not Jesus... is it?

The silhouette of a figure is visible through the smoke, resting in the tube.

It takes a step forward. Then another.

STAN: Holy shit!

JIMMY: J-j-j-

Kyle looks visibly relieved.

KYLE: JFK!

JIMMY: -junior.

It is indeed JFK JR (played by Armie Hammer).

Not dead from a plane crash, but quite the opposite, cutting a striking figure from his family's famous profile, the white polo and khakis, to his dapper boat shoes.

JIM WATKINS: He is the chosen one! He will protect America and once and for all make it great ag-

PAUL FURBER (rushing to interrupt): And then, he will unite the holy, God-fearing trinity - America, North Korea and Russia into one!

JIM WATKINS: What? Stop making shit up Paul!

JFK JR: Where - where am I? Where's Carolyn?

Kyle lets out a yelp and starts pawing at his pants.

ERIC: Oh shit dude! Heidi gave you crabs!

STAN: What the fuck?

ERIC: Come on, we all know Teddy - what the...?

Kyle pulls out the map - the folded document is flaming, catching everyone's attention.

He drops it as the flames cause it to unfold.

But the fire isn't burning it - it's revealing text.

Kyle gingerly picks it up.

LEO: What is it?

Kyle looks it over.

KYLE: It's a script. (reading from it) Episode 201.

Stan is next to Kyle, looking over his shoulder.

STAN: It's from that shitty show they set in South Park!

RON WATKINS: It's not shitty - it foretold the truth and exposed the lies!

KYLE (reading from the script page): It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

RUPERT: That's quite enough, Mr. Broflovski.

Everyone turns toward the large door where Rupert Murdoch stands.

RON WATKINS: Rupert Murdoch?

LEO: Oh, hello sir!

Rupert steps forward to Eric.

RUPERT: You've done well, my boy. There's someone I'd like you to meet.

A bespectacled, bald man - JEFF ZUCKER (played by Vin Diesel) steps through the doorway.

JIM WATKINS (hisses): Jeffrey Zucker.

ERIC: The president of CNN?

Jeff steps up to Eric, shaking a surprised Eric's hand.

JEFF: Let's just say we all have a vested interest in South Park.

Rupert claps twice.

ARMED SECURITY PERSONNEL wearing tactical gear and AR-15s storm through the doorway.

JIM WATKINS (smiles and nods approvingly): You've finally come to join.

RUPERT: I think you've done quite enough. Light 'em up.

The Security Personnel open fire - taking down the Watkins, Paul Furber, the personnel, and JFK Jr.

Then, the firing stops, silence rushing in as the smoke wafts through the air.

KYLE: Holy shit, dude!

STAN: What the fuck?!

Kyle looks at the bodies, at his friends, then at Rupert and Jeff.

KYLE: That - that's why you wanted this hidden.

He holds up the script sheet.

RUPERT: Hand it over, son. It's over.

KYLE: You weren't afraid of terrorists - of other groups -

ERIC: Kyle...

KYLE: - using terror for their means.

ERIC: Kyle...

KYLE: You were afraid we'd figure it out.

JIMMY: Figure w-w-what out?

ERIC: Kyle!

Kyle looks at Eric, Rupert and then Jeff.

KYLE: That keeping people in a state of terror -

Eric grabs a gun from one of the personnel nearby and aims it at Kyle.

ERIC: That's enough Kyle.

But it's as if Kyle doesn't hear him.

KYLE: Keeping them constantly afraid of their neighbors, of themselves, makes them...

STAN: Stupid.

KYLE (shrugs at this): Easy to manipulate.

RUPERT: Shoot him, Eric!

Eric raises the gun.

KYLE: It makes them into a herd. A hateful herd, begging for a shepherd to guide their anger.

LEO: But why kill JFK Jr? He seemed like an okay guy.

KYLE: He would have shown them that maybe there was some (looks at Eric) hope.

JIMMY: But that's s-s-stupid.

KYLE: Exactly.

JEFF: Enough!

He grabs a gun from another one of the personnel and moves between Eric and Kyle.

JEFF: If your man can't handle it Rupert, I will.

He racks it, and levels it point blank on Kyle, finger squeezing the trigger.

Then - movement behind him - something rustling in the mass of bodies.

Jeff slowly turns around.

A man-sized, spider-like leg emerges from the body pile, finding purchase on the floor as another leg comes out from the mass, and digs into the ground.

The forelegs brace, as if pulling something large from under the pile of the dead.

JEFF: The fu-

A wet, tentacle like thing lashes out from within the pile of bodies - its end spear-like - and impales itself through Jeff's body!

A SHRIEK as the monster - Q-BEAST - reveals itself!

The body of a spider - the head of Jim Watkins, yet even more distorted and grotesque!

Its mouth is open wide - its tongue the weapon that impaled Jeff.

It retracts its tongue, slowly, making a sucking, gushy sound as Jeff's body slides off it.

LEO: Oh geez.

STAN: Holy shit!

KYLE: Q.

Then the armed personnel start firing at it.

The bullets plunk harmlessly into it, the beast absorbing them as it shrieks and begins impaling the men with its tongue and legs.

Eric, Leo, Kyle, Stan, Jimmy and Rupert start rushing toward the doorway, followed by the surviving armed personnel.

Q-Beast jumps from the raised platform and lands, impaling the remaining armed personnel with its legs, and whipping its tongue toward the fleeing six.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang try to escape the Beast!

**INT. UTILITY TUNNEL**

They make their way out into the tunnel - BAM!

They turn, ready to come face to face with the terror, but it's too big to get through the doorway.

A moment as they catch their breath - then - THWIP!

Its tongue whips through the doorway and IMPALES Rupert through the stomach!

Rupert struggles as the tongue starts pulling him in.

RUPERT: Eric!

Eric doesn't move.

Leo, Kyle and Stan lunge forward and grab Rupert, pulling on him as the tongue tries to reel him in.

Rupert SCREAMS in agony as the tongue keeps pulling, but the trio manage to pull him off - freeing him from the tongue with a wet slurping sound.

Q-Beast lets out an enraged SCREAM and slams itself against the doorway. Cracks start to appear around it.

Kyle and Leo get under each of Rupert's arms and get away from it.

Despite being played by The Rock, Rupert ain't looking so hot.

Q-Beast lunges at the doorway again and again, widening old cracks and creating new ones.

LEO: It's going to get through!

They get to the stairway at the other end of the hallway.

RUPERT: I can't - I can't make it up...

ERIC: Leave him!

Rupert glares at him.

The doorway behind them is crumbling under Q-Beasts attacks.

Eric is at the foot of the stairs, itching to run up.

ERIC: Come on! Let's go!

Kyle spots something on the wall of the tunnel.

KYLE (to Eric): Hold him!

Eric reluctantly gets under Rupert's arm as Kyle moves to the side of the hallway, disappearing into darkness.

LEO: Kyle...

Eric tries to keep his distance from Rupert's blood matted shirt.

The Q-Beast breaks through the doorway!

KYLE (from the darkness): Through here!

Eric and Stan move Rupert toward Kyle's voice.

Leo and Jimmy follow.

Kyle stands in the darkness, his phone out, its light on, shining on an open doorway.

KYLE: Hurry!

Q-Beast charges down the hallway as Stan and Eric get Rupert through the door, followed by Jimmy, then Leo.

Q-Beast's tongue lashes out and narrowly misses Kyle as he lunges through the door.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang regroups while Rupert reveals how Q-Beast was created.

**INT. SEWERS**

Kyle lands with a splash, then gets up and keeps moving, following the other five.

They keep moving quickly through the sewers, getting distance from Q-Beast, still stuck in the utility tunnel, unable to get through the sewer doorway.

Rupert struggles to move his feet, and bumps into Eric.

ERIC: Dude! Keep your gross guts off me!

RUPERT: When we get back, I'm giving Tucker your spot.

ERIC: Really? That's what you're thinking about now? I'd be worried about getting all this shit in your open wound.

**INT. SEWERS - JUNCTION ROOM**

Stan comes to a stop as they enter the large room, the termination point for other sewer tunnels.

STAN: I can't - I need to catch my breath.

They sit Rupert down on a ledge that's just barely out of the filth as they all breath heavily - fear and exertion running them ragged.

RUPERT: I - we - we thought we knew what we were doing.

The five look over at him.

RUPERT: I mean we tested the Tea Party extensively, before we let that out. It just seemed natural - organic that it would lead to the Truthers - I mean, Barack *Hussein* Obama? How could we not? We thought we had it under control. But we didn't know it was growing into... something.

Eric notices Jimmy looking up at something. He looks up and sees it - Q-Beast, slowly lowering itself down above them.

Jimmy's eyes go wide.

JIMMY: G-g-g-

ERIC: Yeah, come on, get to the point!

Rupert is lost in his guilt to register the harshness.

RUPERT: We never predicted it would grow into...

Eric gives Q-Beast wide eyes, and a nod downward in a "come on already!" expression.

RUPERT: ... into Q.

Q-Beast's tongue spears down through Ruperts head and into his body.

ERIC: About fucking time.

The other four shriek.

They all move back as Q-Beast lands down, breaking what's left of Rupert.

The five spread to separate sides of the large room.

Q-Beast moving slowly forward, into the center of the junction room, eyeing each of them.

Its large form a formidable presence even in this sizable space.

Its tongue lashes out at Jimmy who blocks the attack with his crutch!

A spiked leg lashes out at Stan, who manages to dodge it, but just barely.

Another leg whips out just as quickly, and slashes Eric's torso.

ERIC: OW!! What the fuck, dude!?

Q-Beast, finding the weakness in the group, corners Eric.

ERIC: Oh, shit.

He's backing away from Q-Beast.

ERIC: Q is - Q is in all of us, right?

Q-Beast raises a leg above Eric.

ERIC: Ohshitohgodohshitohgod...

Kyle is looking around wildly for something to fight with, when he sees... Kenny, standing at the mouth of one of the tunnels.

Kenny nods at Kyle. Kyle, unsure, nods back.

Then he realizes.

KYLE (to himself): To kill a bully, you must become the bully. (shouting) Hey! Dumbass!

Q-Beast pauses, his leg raised and ready to impale Eric, and looks back at Kyle.

KYLE: Don't you - uh - don't you realize the more you vote MAGA, the worse you make your life?

Q-Beast flinches a little, but it's not enough.

He turns back to Eric, raising his leg just that much higher for the final impale.

STAN: Your religious leaders brainwash you and use you like pawns to further their gains!

Q-Beast lets out a shriek. It almost loses its balance as if it was physically hit.

Eric uses the moment to scurry away, but Q-beast isn't interested in him anymore.

It whips around, charging at Stan!

It raises both forelegs to impale him -

LEO: They cut funding so you and your children end up stupid enough to believe they're looking out for you!

A SHRIEK as it almost gets bowled over with this one, but it regains its balance and turns on Leo!

JIMMY: The economy is in a d-d-death spiral!

It's like it was shoved forward hard, sliding into the wall with a crash!

But it's up again, spinning around, losing the predatory glare, and gaining the look of a feral animal that knows it's being hunted.

STAN: Trickle down is a fucking lie!

KYLE: America is owned by companies that answer to shareholders that want more profits!

JIMMY: So they raise prices and c-c-cut wages!

LEO: Yeah! And they cut your paycheck and charge you more for everything, sucking money out of your pocket and locking it away forever!

Q-Beast is whipping around, getting hit by blow after blow.

It looks like it's actually shrinking - losing its size and menace.

But then it realizes - the weakest link is the quietest.

It rears up and goes after Eric!

Eric scrambles back!

It's charging at him full force, ready to impale!

Eric looks like he's about to vomit - then spews -

ERIC: America is a corporate welfare state!

Q-Beast flies back as if hit full on by a Dragon Punch!

It flips over, scurrying from one end of the room to the other, trying to get away from the five.

STAN: President Trump paid seven hundred and fifty in taxes!

BAM!

Q-Beast loses his footing again, landing hard!

Its legs quickly scrabble, trying to stand up!

LEO: President Trump called dead veterans losers!

WHAM!

Just when it was almost standing, Q-Beast goes down again!

It tries to stand, but, despite having the body of a monstrous (now-shrunken) spider, and the face of Mike Meyers' Fat Bastard, Q-Beast ain't looking so hot.

JIMMY: President Trump's tax cut only benefits the rich!

Q-Beast goes down!

It's as if the fight's left it...

KYLE: President Garrison destroyed the only pangolin that could have saved us from Covid-19!

STAN: Dude, what?

Kyle realizes what he said.

ERIC: I thought you didn't watch it, Kyle.

KYLE: I don't - I didn't - I just... wait. How do you know where it's from?

Unseen by them, Q-Beast quivers a little.

ERIC: I read a Buzzfeed summary!

KYLE: That's bullshit!

LEO: Uh, fellas?

ERIC: Not now, Butters.

LEO: Stop calling me Butters!

STAN: Guys, calm down!

Q-Beast starts to rise to its feet.

JIMMY: Uh, g-g-guys?

All four turn to him.

ALL FOUR: WHAT!?

The tongue whips out, impaling Leo!

STAN: Butters!

Q-Beast starts reeling its tongue in, pulling Leo toward it.

Stan tries to grab Leo and pull him off, but Q-Beast uses a foreleg to slap him aside.

Eric rushes forward, and grabs Leo by the arm, pulling.

ERIC (struggling): You. Aren't. Going. To. Leave. Me. With. Jimmy!

But it's no use - the monster continues to pull Leo closer and closer to its mouth.

Kyle grabs Leo's other arm and tries to pull, but it's no better.

Then Kyle lets go.

ERIC: Kyle!?

Kyle looks at Q-Beast in the eye.

Q-Beast pauses, not sure what to make of this.

KYLE: Breonna Taylor's boyfriend actually used his second amendment right to stop the government from encroaching on his domain while you pussies sat on the sidelines, cheering on governmental overreach!

Q-Beast's eyes go wide in terror and pain - it's tongue shriveling and thinning, easily falling out of Leo like a wet noodle as the monster shrinks down to the size of a withered basketball.

Stan and Jimmy move to help a wounded Butters stand as Q-Beast moves weakly back, away from Eric and Kyle, a scared little monster wearing a loose fitting Jim Watkins mask.

Kyle and Eric stand over it as Stan and Jimmy bring over a wounded Leo.

They see its heart beating fast, pushing against its thin, rubbery chest.

Kyle reaches down, his fingers ripping through its flesh like it's wet paper, and pulls out its beating heart.

He looks into Q-Beast's grotesque, Jim Watkins face...

Q-BEAST (weakly): No, please...

Kyle squishes the heart in his hand. Q-Beast's eyes go dead.

Quiet.

Then a rattling sound.

Q-Beast's head shakes a moment - the five step back.

A little Q-Beast pulls itself from the dead body and scurries into the darkness of the sewer.

JIMMY: It was p-p-pregnant?

ERIC: Oh, shit Kyle - you killed a mother.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric and Kyle have one last revelation...

**EXT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - FRONT DRIVE - A FEW DAYS LATER**

Kyle is out front, his packed carry-on at his feet.

Stan, Heidi and Teddy stand with them.

STAN: So, now what?

KYLE (shrugs): I head home and get back to work.

A moment, then Stan embraces Kyle. Kyle hugs him back.

A rumble causes them to break the hug.

They turn to see Eric and Leo's car driving up.

STAN: Eric?

Eric gets out of the passenger seat.

Leo winces as he gets out of the driver's side and hobbles around the front of the car, a slight sheen of sweat on his brow.

Kyle walks past Eric, to Leo.

KYLE: How are you doing, Leo?

LEO: Better. Stitches are staying in place.

ERIC: He has to shit in a bag!

STAN (scowling at Eric): Jesus Christ, dude.

ERIC: I know! Gross, right?

Eric looks at everyone.

ERIC: I'm glad we're all here. I have something important to share.

He pulls out a sealed envelope.

ERIC (looking at Teddy): I'm afraid I have some... interesting news for you, young man.

STAN: Eric...

Eric unseals the envelope, and slides out some papers.

ERIC: According to a rigurous DNA test, uhh... (he looks at the pages again) Ummm... I... I'm sorry to tell you this Stan, but, Teddy is the love child of Heidi and Kyle.

Kyle looks at him, doubtful.

KYLE (reaching for the papers): Give it here.

Eric pulls the papers out of reach.

ERIC: Look at him! I mean, come on!

A moment, then Kyle pulls out a folded envelope.

KYLE: I think I have what you're looking for.

ERIC: You motherfucker. You took the first glass!

KYLE (looking at Stan): I'm sorry to tell you this Stan, but Eric is Teddy's father.

ERIC: But, he's a ginger!

KYLE: And you're one-half.

ERIC: Goddamnit.

Then Eric and Kyle look at the silent Marsh family.

Heidi's mouth is a tight line. Stan is a kettle about to scream. Teddy looks horrified.

HEIDI (to Eric): We went through years of counseling to put this behind us.

Behind Eric and Kyle, Leo reaches for his buzzing phone, and looks at it.

STAN (to Eric): We didn't want to tell him until we thought he was ready.

Kyle fights to keep a self-satisfied smirk off his face, until Stan turns his glare on him.

STAN: And you! You asshole! I expected him to check my kid's DNA, but you? Fuck you both. You two deserve each other!

LEO: Hey, fellas?

STAN: What!?


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when they thought they were out, Fox News pulls them back in.

**INT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - LIVING ROOM**

Stan, Kyle, Eric and Leo are in the living room.

Stan has the TV remote in hand.

The TV comes to life, showing grainy footage that looks awfully familiar.

**ON THE TV**

It's the scene from the sewer, shot at about Jimmy's crutch-level.

The footage continues, showing them yelling at Q-Beast, and it shrinking away.

ERIC (on video): America is a corporate welfare state!

Eric glares at the screen.

ERIC: Jimmy, you motherfucker.

A jump in the video, now showing the almost dead Q-Beast as Kyle stands over it, its heart in his hand.

Q-BEAST (on video): No, please.

And Kyle squishes the heart.

Then the video cuts back to the studio, showing TUCKER CARLSON (played by Fozzie Bear from the Muppets) shaking his head.

TUCKER (to the camera): Tragic. And no one knows this more than my next guest.

It goes split screen with Tucker sharing the screen with RUDY GIULIANI (played by Maria Shriver; bald cap, glasses and a blue suit) who sits next to his client, the Q-BEAST'S BABY.

TUCKER: First, I'm sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you felt - what you must be feeling - reliving that. And it looks like they're going to get away with it.

Q-Beast's Baby speaks in a squeaky voice, sounding like Jim Watkins, but with a dose of helium.

Q-BEAST'S BABY: It hurts. It really does. To see them hurl those insults at my mother like that... you know, words are like bullets and these - these monsters - just fired them with ha- (starts to choke up) With hate and - and anger and -

He starts sobbing.

Rudy shakes his head.

RUDY: Tucker, let me correct you here - you said that they're going to get away with it. Usually, that's what happens - the mainstream media paints Antifa as the victim. But not this time. We are going to fight and we are going to show that, you know, these "heroes" of the left - one of them is a lawyer for the ACLU, the other a weed mogul who are both probably getting their own statues in Berkley as we speak - are the real monsters. And they tried to legitimize their attack by ensnaring two of your colleagues and a cripple -

TUCKER: Also one of my colleagues.

Rudy looks a little perplexed at this, but continues.

RUDY: Whatever - they did it to legitimize this attack on a true patriot - the murder of my client's mother!

The sound of POLICE SIRENS and roaring vehicles break the four's attention from the TV.

**EXT. TEGRIDY ESTATE - FRONT DRIVE**

The four come outside as police cars rush from both sides of the circle drive.

ERIC (to Stan): What's that gate even for?


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Give Kyle a podium and he'll give you a speech.

**EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAYS LATER**

There's a large crowd of Q SUPPORTERS holding various placards supporting Q, or screaming such things as "Patriot Killers!" or "Mother Killers!" and even "Spider Beast Killers!"

The front doors of the court open, releasing a large group of REPORTERS and CAMERAMEN, who surround the five - Kyle, Stan, Leo, Eric and Jimmy - and their respective LAWYERS.

They all keep their heads down as they try to move through the reporters and cameras.

REPORTER 1: What are your feelings now that the grand jury voted to indict?

LAWYER 1 (to the five): Don't say anything, just keep moving.

REPORTER 2: Do you have anything to say to Q-Baby?

Kyle stops, which surprises everyone, including the reporters.

STAN: Kyle, this isn't the time.

KYLE: If not now, when?

LAYWER 2: Mr. Broflovski, as your lawyer I strongly advise against this!

ERIC: Goddamnit, Kyle.

Kyle looks out at the reporters and cameras, and then beyond at the protesters.

KYLE: I stand by everything I said on that video. Our lives have constantly been getting worse and we are just as at fault as we are the victims. We all have played our roles, being manipulated to fight against each other and not for each other. And, yet, we don't realize how bad it's gotten, because, it's like looking in a mirror day after day. You don't see that you're getting older, just one day, you realize you're old. The change happens slowly, a deregulation here, a lower corporate tax there. Decommissioned military gear requisitioned for this town's police, civil forfeiture enacted by that county's sheriff. In every crises, it's not the people who are saved, but the corporations who are bailed out, and come out stronger, while the people come out defeated and weakened. And like that, you wake up one day, and realize, hey, we live in a dystopian nightmare. It used to be, when there was something truly evil in this world, we could come together to fight it. But evil learned. It learned that it could put us in a constant state of fear, and turn that fear into anger, then pit that anger against each other. Its unseen hand nudges us here and there, focused on fighting over whether we should listen to scientists, or yelling about who needs to be cancelled next, while that evil continues to grow, and we continue to sink deeper into that anger and despair. It's time for us to no longer be victims! It's time for us to no longer bend under that unseen hand! It's time to fight alongside one another for the good of us all!

A moment as his words finish echoing out.

STAN: Dude, you kinda sound like -

PROTESTOR 1: Q?

PROTESTOR 2: Oh my God!

PROTESTOR 3: It's Q!

PROTESTOR 4: Where we go one, we go all!

PROTESTOR 5: Let him go!

PROTESTOR 6: Yeah! Free Q!

And the rest of the protestors pick up the "Free Q!" chant.

KYLE: Goddamnit.

DA DADA DADA DA DA DA DA DADA DADA


End file.
